30 June 2007
A Retrospect
I am feeling better now, thank you very much.
God still loves me. That's all that matters now.
I've been evaluating myself. I've struggled. I've hoped for a better talent, or a better look, or all that...
But then I fall back to the Word of God, with His gentle quiet whisper in my ear that "all things work together for the good" and that all that work that is started in me will be "brought to completion".
I don't know what are His plans.
I became fickle-minded.
At first I want to become a producer.
Then I feel that I don't have the personality for it.
Then I want to write.
But then I realised my creativity is limited, so is my vocabulary.
I didn't want to get married, or have someone loving me, romantic-ising me.
But I still desire for that special someone to spend a lifetime with.
...
I don't know what God's plans are for me.
I just know that He knows what He's doing. Though I know many times, we want to yell at Him, "Hello, are You sure You know what You're doing? I should be going THIS way."
I have been reading Philip Yancey's "What's So Amazing About Grace?" and to tell you the truth, it opened my eyes to really understand what the Christian faith is all about. I can identify the times when I was ungrace-full to others, I can identify when I was too legalistic and feared the Lord like He's placing a scoreboard in front of Him. When I screw up, He's going to write down and remember this for life...
Of course He isn't doing that. God already mentioned that He will "blot out their transgressions and remember them no more."
I remember the time when I sat down with my friend and he started telling me how he broke a girl's heart and his own, I felt sorry for both of them. It's like when I see my brother got so frustrated when his relationship was on the rocks.
Then I watched It Started With A Kiss, I know how it feels like to be having unrequited love. It hurts like crap. You get jealous when that person likes another person or has a boy/girlfriend. You cry every night when you receive no mutual affection from that person.
Then I find it a very deep principle. Christ is also facing unrequited love sometimes. God is madly in love with His people but many choose to not reply to His love. In Hosea, God was pronouncing judgment on His people, but in the middle, He cried out "How can I give you up? How can I give you up?"
Know this: God is love. His whole being is love. He love sinners, not their sins.
So, unlike we get over a broken heart (or never) and continue on with life, God cannot unlove us. It's His character. To not love us is like God won't exist that kind of thing.
Then I was lying on bed one day dreaming of romance, dreaming of my future husband (if I ever do get married), I realised that I want to fall in love with the right person. That I want to wait for him. It may sound the silliest notion ever, but I want to wait. And right now, singlehood is a gift from God. :) Jesus is enough.
Then I was reading Proverbs 31:10-31, about the Proverbs 31 woman. And I want to be like her! Though she's like super perfect, but it's really a beautiful woman.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue." Prov. 31:25, 26
Then I wished for someone to be in the media industry who is also a strong Christian, so I can find a mentor in her.
I realised that my future can only be given to God for safekeeping. Only I can trust Him.
God was also telling me that one of my weakness is the lack of objectivity when watching movies/dramas..that I do get caught up so easily. Haha. And I'm suppose to be in the media industry, must be somewhat objective.
Then I laughed when I read Philip Yancey writing this: "Like farm pigs, we like to wallow in the mud."
Then he said something more poignant. "The intensity of feeling we have for the one person we choose to spend life with mirrors the passion God feels toward us, and God wants His passion returned in kind." which goes back to Christ's unrequited love.
The Bible, Yancey said, has always been presenting God as a lover pursuing a fickle bride.
PURSUING. God is pursuing us, the fickle bride.
And He remained faithful.
Thank You Lord.
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Posted by rebekah at 11:47 PM
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Being Self Conscious
The media paints very different picture of what we see in real life.
...
I wanted to a retrospect and do some excerpt from my journal.
...
Suddenly I don't feel so confident.
Posted by rebekah at 4:42 PM
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