09 December 2005
Baggage
I often imagined myself walking on a stone-paved walkway, wrapping myself in thick coats in a rainy day. You see those pictures often in photo frames they sell in supermarkets.
I would have a song humming in my head, then my fantasy could ring true.
I have never thought about the problem with potholes, of slippery stones or a wave of puddle splashed at my ankles (or worse, the whole body).
I'd still remember when my left hand would be left bruising and blue-black when I was in Standard Five. I could still picture the bruise that was on my hand. I could still point out the exact spot the swelling began. I couldn't use my left hands for a few days. Holding things were painful. I had to survive only on one hand for a short while.
Where do you put the baggage of your past?Forgive or not to forgive? The hurt you bring yourself upon. The bitterness you choose to keep. The pride you choose to wave like a banner...
All that just to hide the baggage that seemed to be taking up a lot of space. When you tried to let someone help, you take it back again and say, "Nay, you don't know how to handle it." But when you take it back, the weight that pulls you down, you'd wish that someone has taken the baggage from you.You deny there is even a baggage. You pat yourself at the back and say to everyone, "I am a happy go lucky person!" but you don't realise that your back has been so bent because of the weight. You try to stand straight, but you realise that your back has been so strained by the burden, you have lost the art of standing straight.You feel as if you are just holding a backpack. It feels light and you are happy that it is just a backpack. But when you open the backpack, it is like a Pandora's Box, you could not close it back. When you do close it back, you have copied all that you have taken out, in fear of losing it and you put the original and copy together back into the bag. We all have baggages in our lives. It is not how big our baggage is, it's how we deal with those baggages. Some might just have one big one to carry. Some might have a handful of hand-carrys. But we all get bogged down by these baggages.
When I hear about letting go and letting God, I was like "Wow. That is a great idea I have not heard before." I placed the thought on a shelf and let it collect dust, until these years I had to take it down again because my life was going down spiralwards.
I thought that I was okay, but I wasn't. Bouts of depression swept over me and gnaw at me, the invisible hands clawing at me, choking me hard and pressing me down. My defences failed. My health failed. I lose sleep, I lose concentration...I was starting to lose myself.
I had not let go of baggages, I realise.
I had not let go.
Posted by rebekah at 5:05 PM
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